signs I am feeling better

If I have signs that I am very sick,

 I also have markers that remind me I am starting to feel better

I know the depression is lifting when

once again walking Benedicto unleashes streams of ideas and images

and is more than forcing one foot in front of the other so he can take a shit

when walking becomes a useful way to pace my thoughts

and not a torrent of overwhelming despair

when shopping for food is not terrifying, only unpleasant

when I dream in detail about building things,

when I can make a phone call just because I need to, without days of procrastination

when making the call feels wonderfully, normally easy

when I can answer the phone and say hello 

when I answer the phone for a number I don’t recognize and it’s a good friend I haven’t spoken with for at least two years, and we talk easily for an entire hour

and i enjoy it,

 i’m not trying to find an emergency exit from the conversation

when I’m not afraid for people to look at me - when it doesn’t feel like an invasion

when I am capable of spontaneous conversation with store clerks, 

                   baristas, airport security and other people walking their dogs.  I don’t have to avoid their eyes.

 I know I am doing much better when...

I sometimes even enjoy shopping

when I have the patience to try on enough pairs of pants that I eventually leave the store with some that approximately fit my body

for the first time in 6 years

When I start moving from imagination to action

when I the wall between ‘think’ and ‘do’ gets porous enough that I start taking photos, shooting videos, building forts out of papier mache

making plans that involve other places and people

leggings made from cut-off sweater sleeves

I am so unaccustomed to functional energy and optimism that I 

always worry I am drifting hypomanic

Is it that I have such a backlog of ideas and obligations, than I must seize whatever undetermined period of abilty to do as much as possible?

or is that hypomanic, and hence worrisome and pathological?

I can have a meaningful conversation with my airplane seatmate for an hour and enjoy it.  my skin isn’t crawling.

I want to dance! 

 I see people moving and remember how much I used to love to move

I know I am feeling stronger 

when I can think (somewhat) rationally about my finances without tripping the circuit breaker

when I can stand to make a list of things I need to do, and then go on to 

accomplish some of them in the same day - make a doctor appointment and then go to it, 

instead of procrastinating for months and then strategically forgetting the appointment or getting too sick to go.

These are mostly normal activities of daily living, some that sound superficial or even luxurious,

 these that an adult in the United States consumer society must be able to accomplish in order to maintain basic functioning.

They are all things I can’t do for months at a time/ on end.