4 years ago - how pretty I was

I just discovered these photos on my brother's computer.  They were taken at his wedding and the day before.  I'm horrified at how much better I looked then than I do now.  I look so much more alive.

Check out my muscles!  Granted, I was teaching breakdancing and actively using my body 20+ hours a week.  But still!  I haven't danced like a joyful fool in such a long time.  From 1998-2006 I experienced multiple deep depressions, but I also became a hip hop dance teacher, of all things.  I lived for the exhilaration of moving to house music in the middle of the night in basement clubs full of amazing dancers.  Now I never dance.  I almost never go out at night.

I've been trying to get this haircut back.  What's so hard about it?  I wonder if my hair is dry and brittle now from all the pills, or from the botched bleach job I got after the accident in Managua.  I was afraid of people recognizing me as the killer gringa.  I thought if I turned blonde I might be mistaken for a different gringa - from the Peace Corps, or one of the evangelical churches.  The pink stripes looked wicked cool with the oversized sunglasses.  My brother looks pretty happy too.

I know I was having a lot of trouble with depression then as well, so what's the big difference?  Just age?    Or being more physically active?  Or having hot pink stripes in my hair?  
I got the pink stripes to match a costume for a huge rave I was performing at.
This was also around the time when I dated an emotionally competent drug dealer who drove me around in his Escalade and only wore brand-new shiny white Nikes.  I discovered he was a drug dealer when he left several thousand dollars in one of his show boxes at my house.  He was emotionally competent because he learned to be a peer counselor in jail.
So one could argue I'm more stable now - no late nights, way less drinking, a stable relationship, a great dog.
But also no dancing, not much exhilaration.  It shows in my skin.