Wading In

Today I went wading.  

Three or four days into an Abilify trial

'Abilify' - if only it can deliver what it promises!

Three weeks (or so) back onto Prozac,

   my first SSRI love.

When people ask me to explain the impact of selective serotonin 
reuptake inhibitors on my life, I tell them this:

Prozac gave me my first 'B' 
I had straight A's from K through junior year at Stanford.

A few months into Prozac I relaxed enough to get
          a 'B' in Organic Chemistry

What will it do for me this time?

Too much, and my legs are constantly begging to run, 
         but the muscles are so shortened so that 
          it hurts to even gesture toward my toes

Too much, and the same vibration migrates 
       to my mind, where a series of propellers spins in different directions
   lots of wind, no useful motion

Too little and I'm sobbing all the time

especially at the high school music numbers on glee tv

With this small amount of chemical insulation around my over-sensitive nerves

I went wading - 

I got in up to my thighs at the United ticket counter

I thought I was doing OK and

            then the waiting, the noise, the enormous family with too 

         many multicolored suitcases and crying babies and the man

        trying to get an earlier flight to check in for

       National Guard duty got to be too much...  

I felt the urge, the demanding need, to run away, to scream, 

     which I have done several times in public places recently but

     since I knew we really needed to change this ticket I 

just sat down on the floor, put my hands over my ears, and pictured 

each breath dislodging some of the rocks stuck inside my head.

We were in the world today more than I've been for the past 2 months, at

a cafe - not so hard.  I know what to order before I walk in 

Costco pharmacy - terrifying.  a million things begging to be looked at, dodged, listened to, all piled high              over my head. had to discuss insurance, always a mess.  

video store - also hard - way way way too many options

second-hand clothing store - high level of difficulty, YET I succeeded in purchasing a few things for my fashion experiments

silkscreen/embroidery shop, where I actually placed an order

 to get my Palmer Fishman logo sewn onto my superhero costume! and we

 chatted with the Greek owner about the relative 

misery of his country's economy vs. Spain's. 

 Put off selecting the color of thread, but the guy was way cool about it 

"don't worry about the color yet, just think about rolling over those eggs and it will come to you"

sushi restaurant - seemed OK, yet the noise level rose with the sake intake and in the end I had to flee.

I'm so lucky Otto was willing to wait for the check.  

This was a very good day.