Impact: 1/17/10

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Consoling Words

I wrote this last year, probably in late February.

Everyone has their words of consolation, their way of making sense of the accident in 5 sentences or less.

It was an ACCIDENT
IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT
It could have happened to anyone
These accidents happen all the time
Other people have survived worse traumas.
People tell you not to feel bad because there’s always someone who’s got it worse. But whatever you are suffering, you are in it, and your personal experience needs to be respected and felt for what it is
It’s about karma. When a series of bad things happen to you, you need to examine it and change your karma
Tragedies and difficulties happen in order to teach you, to push you to a higher spiritual plane. Since so many big bad things have happened to you you must have an advanced soul
Tragedies push us to take stock, to consider why. I strongly urge you to pray, and to pray to Jesus Christ our savior.
My daughter’s whole class at school prayed for you, and for the two sisters.
We’re all praying for you
You are a good person, with a good heart, who never wanted to hurt anyone, and after this accident you are still the same good person.

Yet the mother said to my attorney, You want justice for Jessica? What about justice for my two daughters?

Sunday, January 17, 2010

17 Days

Today is January 17, 2010. It is 17 days until the first anniversary of the Accident.

I am starting to feel an inexorable pull

on the fluids in my body,

as though a different source of gravity is affecting me

a sort of tide rising

I can't stop the days from passing

In 17 days I will wake up, it will be a Wednesday

Once again, there will be nothing I can do to stop what happened.

The liquid in my body seeping into my lungs

inevitability

will there be a memorial in Managua? of course there will be.

remembering, mourning

i see my body lying in the dirt next to theirs

how much have their bodies decomposed?

how much have I decomposed?

damp leaves

ants

plastic bags blowing across the cemetery

soft rain

About IMPACT

I started this blog to help myself process an unimaginable tragedy: At a few minutes after 8AM on February 3, 2009, my Nissan Pathfinder hit two pedestrians, sisters, and killed them. My memory starts with the airbags slamming into me.

I am shaking and nauseous writing this.

I was living in Nicaragua, where the roads are filled simultaneously with pedestrians, bicycles, horse-carts, moto-cabs, dogs, all manner of freight trucks from rickety pick-ups to 18-wheelers, ancient US school buses, and mini-buses and taxis determined to economize fuel by never stopping. Under Nicaraguan law drivers in accidents where someone is hurt badly are all jailed for at least 24 hours.

No one knows what caused my accident, although my brother discovered that Nissan had issued a Technical Advisory to mechanics' shops on my year and model because the airbags were detonating spontaneously. As my car was one of the very few with airbags in the country, no one, not even the Nissan dealer repair shop, had ever mentioned anything. I will never know if fault lies with the faulty airbags, and the not knowing is terrifying.

All traumas are unique. Our human reactions to trauma have traits in common. Though everyone will have their own path toward healing, I am certain we can help one another by sharing, witnessing, and affirming.

I have also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II, which means I miss the fun (ha!) of full-blown mania. I have suffered from severe recurrent depression and anxiety since I was a teenager.