I haven't been able to write lately I've
not really been able to think
the pills have plugged the holes in my head that
let in the gremlins of self-destruction
but those same holes seem to have been the ones that let in
air
so my creativity is suffocated
wilted
I'm used to having more ideas and flights of inspiration than I can usefully develop
and now there's a roaring silence and overwhelming
emptiness
a flatness
I don't feel like myself and I certainly don't feel like an
artist
I am trying to appreciate the absence of the urges to
hurt myself,
the fading of the wish to be dead
but I'm caught up in anxiety about not having the wish
to do
or create
anything
not really been able to think
the pills have plugged the holes in my head that
let in the gremlins of self-destruction
but those same holes seem to have been the ones that let in
air
so my creativity is suffocated
wilted
I'm used to having more ideas and flights of inspiration than I can usefully develop
and now there's a roaring silence and overwhelming
emptiness
a flatness
I don't feel like myself and I certainly don't feel like an
artist
I am trying to appreciate the absence of the urges to
hurt myself,
the fading of the wish to be dead
but I'm caught up in anxiety about not having the wish
to do
or create
anything
Posts
I too have felt this way many times. I pray peace will come to you. Keep going.
ReplyDeleteHi Jessica I haven't felt like blogging or opening up much lately. Some days I can make art some days I just can't or do much much of anything. Today was one of those days.
ReplyDeleteThese photographs are beautiful.
Your feelings of creativity will come back, your art is ready for you when you are ready and I think maybe it's o.k. to have down time and maybe even though we don't see it, we need some silence I don't know... I understand the anxiety though.
Love you, Jess.
ReplyDeleteI'm sending love to you across the miles. Numbness is no answer. I wish that you can find some feeling again. I believe you will. I hope that you will believe it too.
ReplyDeleteTake care. Kel
Strangely enough it might be the anxiety that is keeping you afloat right now ... It's a feeling; it's *something* more than the flatness you describe. The absence of the urges to hurt yourself ... That is a gift; it gives you some space. Enough room to breathe in ... room to begin to realize other options. It's terrifying in a way -- just to experience spaciousness -- it can feel like a whole over void ... Give yourself something small and beautiful to put into that space -- I put in music, favourite quotes, purrs from my cats, the sight of a gorgeous summer sky, the scent of a flower. It's always those 'little things' that bring me back to presence and to life.
ReplyDeleteThis will pass, Jessica ... :-)