Impact: Post from 2011

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Post from 2011

Who am I if I'm not suicidal?
What is life like?
Where am I uncomfortable because I'm not suicidal?
It feels anxiously flat, a nervous nothingness
So I feel OK waking up in the morning, I can accept being alive for another day but what do I do with this day to make it worth living?
I enjoy my pancakes with jam
I appreciate the trees while we go running but
I'm not making anything I'm not
serving anyone I'm
just living
I'm not in the level of pain to which I had become painfully accustomed
I still want to get small enough that I disappear
I don't feel I deserve to

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About IMPACT

I started this blog to help myself process an unimaginable tragedy: At a few minutes after 8AM on February 3, 2009, my Nissan Pathfinder hit two pedestrians, sisters, and killed them. My memory starts with the airbags slamming into me.

I am shaking and nauseous writing this.

I was living in Nicaragua, where the roads are filled simultaneously with pedestrians, bicycles, horse-carts, moto-cabs, dogs, all manner of freight trucks from rickety pick-ups to 18-wheelers, ancient US school buses, and mini-buses and taxis determined to economize fuel by never stopping. Under Nicaraguan law drivers in accidents where someone is hurt badly are all jailed for at least 24 hours.

No one knows what caused my accident, although my brother discovered that Nissan had issued a Technical Advisory to mechanics' shops on my year and model because the airbags were detonating spontaneously. As my car was one of the very few with airbags in the country, no one, not even the Nissan dealer repair shop, had ever mentioned anything. I will never know if fault lies with the faulty airbags, and the not knowing is terrifying.

All traumas are unique. Our human reactions to trauma have traits in common. Though everyone will have their own path toward healing, I am certain we can help one another by sharing, witnessing, and affirming.

I have also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II, which means I miss the fun (ha!) of full-blown mania. I have suffered from severe recurrent depression and anxiety since I was a teenager.