Andrew Solomon's Comment on Impact

Once again it is before 5AM and I'm unwillingly awake, lids heavy but legs and hands fluttering madly.

As I was unable to change the settings so that Andrew Solomon's comment on my post about him ("Productive Lives? Awards!) appears unfolded automatically, I am re-posting it on its own, with my response below.

Andrew Solomon is an award-winning journalist, novelist, and sufferer of depression, author of The Noonday Demon, An Atlas of Depression, which I remember reading over several days when I could not force myself to leave my bedroom.

Andrew Solomon said...

I am the winner of that award, so I just thought I'd reach out to you and say that I'm sorry if it's made you angry for us to receive these kudos.

 I agree with much of what you say--that most people with mental illnesses can't have productive lives, and that it's dangerous to suggest that everyone can.

 But I also know that I couldn't have had one if I'd lived 30 years ago, and that I couldn't have one now without the work of those NARSAD scientists, and I saw this as an opportunity to say to a roomful of scientists that their research is making a huge difference in actual lives, that it's not just some abstract intellectual exercise, and that those of us who have been able to get good lives out of their work are grateful. 

But I did also take it as an occasion to say how much more work is needed, and how relatively few people are helped by medication to a sufficient degree to be really productive.

 I just wanted to tell you that I hear you.

 And also to say that I did have a whole lot of unproductive years before I pulled through, and that when I get sick again, as happens every couple of years, I am right back in that place of darkness and unable to function. 

I hope you'll find some hope, but even if you don't, you're not invisible. 

Best, Andrew

NOVEMBER 4, 2010 10:16 PM

Jessica Hirst / Palmer Fishman said...

Hi Andrew, Wow! What a pleasant surprise to hear from you. 

Truly, both pleasant and a surprise. I appreciate your hearing me and understanding my points. I am not angry for you and the others to receive kudos – it’s fantastic.

 As I mentioned to some of my friends, I think it’s more that I’m envious.

 I thought I was going to have a life of accomplishment, and it hasn’t turned out at all the way I expected during my first 25 years. Like you, I did very well academically, graduating Phi Beta Kappa from Stanford. I had straight A’s all the way from first grade until I started Prozac in my third year of university. 

My first job was in the Clinton White House, where I worked on international climate change policy and drafted a bilateral agreement signed by then-Vice President Al Gore and the President of Costa Rica, Jose Maria Figueres.

 I thought it was only the beginning of a great career. I started medication and therapy at age 15, and I thought it was working. 

Then around age 25 I came unwound in a series of breakdowns, half-recoveries, and new breakdowns. I reinvented myself as a hi- hop dance teacher and choreographer. That worked out for a few years, but my inconsistency and inability to function or even communicate on some mornings eventually terminated my employment. I too am grateful for medication. I am quite sure that without it I would have committed suicide already, and I am glad to be alive, despite how I feel some days. I am extremely grateful for your comments to the NARSAD scientists. 

My current psychiatrist is the best I’ve ever had, and I think so because she 

freely admits the limits of current medical knowledge. 

She acknowledges that we (she, I, and the drug companies) are still experimenting on my brain, and that it’s not easy. I appreciate intensely being heard by you. I enjoyed Noonday Demon, and your amazing ability to express yourself. 

I think society, at least US society, would benefit from understanding that 

even you still have days when you do not function well, and how much the 

world would miss out if you were 

dismissed from consideration 

because of that.

Knowing that I am not employable has been liberating in some ways. 

I have learned that I can only work with people who are willing to negotiate openly my disability, who are willing to make some accommodations in order for our joint venture to be successful. It is not easy, but it is what I have to do.

 I will keep working with what I have: my performance art, my text and images, the family foundation I serve, and my voice. 

I am more hopeful today than yesterday that it will be heard. Thank you, Jessica Hirst

NOVEMBER 5, 2010 1:08 PM